Friday, December 24, 2010

How to Operate your In-Flight Entertainment, and Why I'm Better Than You

This week, I had the opportunity to fly across the country.  Since I have been working out a lot lately and was still quite sore, I decided to do my flying on a plane.  While on said plane, I noticed that there was a small telephone in my armrest.  Since I normally use my cellphone while flying, I decided to take a look and see what this thing had to offer.  To my surprise, there was a number of magical buttons on the opposite side!  Take care not to mash these with your hand while using the other side to dial, as you might have some unexpected issues.

To help ease the use of this magical device, I've created the simple explanatory graphic below:

I only explained the confusing ones, as you should be able to deduce that the START button signals the stewardesses that you're ready for the drink cart.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Playing Guitar Can Give You Superpowers

It's true.  This is more true for men.  Rockstars can influence a crowd of tens of thousands with their guitar.  Douche-bags in college can steal the sexy women from the jocks and intellectuals, all with a few chords that even a dog could learn if it had the metacarpals...and opposing thumbs.  Those who want to learn to play the guitar should be aware of something, however.  With this power comes responsibility awesomeness.  You can draw in (usually) smokin' hot women, but remember that not all of them are single, and jocks have mean right hooks...Oh, and not all of them are clean either.  Especially the groupies and college coeds.  Filthy whores. 

Play awesomely.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Most Adorably-Named, Deadliest Animals

The Honey Badger-
A cousin of the wolverine, the honey badger earns its name from it's insatiable hunger for sweet sweet honey.  It will delve into a beehive in search of its sugar fix, only to be stung by the hive's residents in an orgy of pain, stickiness and deliciousness...AND it survives to snack again.

My favorite description of the honey badger comes from Jeremy Clarkson of BBC's Top Gear:
"The honey badger does not kill you to eat you; it tears off...your testicles."

The Black Mamba-

First of all, it's not even black.  That aside, it sounds like a really fun dance, not the fastest venomous snake in the world (10–12 mph) that can kill a human in twenty agonizing minutes from a single bite.

The Hippopotamus-

Everyone loves the hippos.  They're practically a Disney animal movie staple.  FACT:
hippopotamuses kill more humans per year than any other animal in the entire continent of Africa.  Think about THAT the next time you play Hungry Hungry Hippos.  (AND, if you want to be extremely morbid, draw little smiley faces on the marbles.)

The Duck-Billed Platypus-

I know. Really effin' adorable. Right!?  To top it off, their young are called "puggles." Why is the platypus on this list, you may ask.  Simple: it's poisonous.  That's right, boys and girls, the male platypi have a pair of spurs on their hind legs they they use for hunting and dueling.  The venom is actually powerful enough to land a human in the emergency room and leave them writhing in muscular-afflicted pain for months.

Movie cliches that are absolute bullshit.

Apologies (for the the title) and fair warning for swearing in the following post:

1) Cabbies who honk the horn while waiting for people: Are you kidding me?  You're getting paid either way, bubba!  Are you seriously going to rush the guy/gal when your meter's running?  What's the fee for just showing up? $4? STFU and wait.

2) The elevator's always at your floor when you push the button:  I wish I had these people's luck.  Unless they're being chased, then the elevator's never right there. That kinda luck, I can do without.

3) People who hear a suspicious noise outside and go to investigate: No. Fucking. Way.  You can bet  that if I hear something outside, my ass is staying in the house with my Glock on my hip.

4) Adults are stupid; kids are smart: Sorry. Not buying that. I've yet to meet a child who's smarter than I am. Especially when it comes to the zombie apocalypse.

5) Babies born in the movies are usually the size of a 1-2 month-old: Have you ever seen a newborn? Even the FAT ones are 12lbs at the most. Just ask a woman how she'd feel about pushing a 20lb Thanksgiving turkey out of her hoo-ha. I dare ya.

6) Anytime someone smokes their first cigar or cigarette, they cough and gag: Pussies.

7) Everyone knows CPR, and the cadence for compression is ~30/min, even when the person performing it is a doctor or other medical professional: WTF (Who) do you know has a heart that only beats 30x a minute? Are they trying to revive a horse!?

8) PMS doesn't exist unless it's a plot device: Hahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! AAAHAHAHAHAH!!!

9) All computers have a nice GUI (Graphical User Interface; i.e.; Windows) regardless of their application: These writers have apparently never worked in the world of IT, or their "subject matter expert" is a total crock. (The exception that comes to mind is "The Matrix: Revolutions" when Trinity uses Nmap to find a vulnerable SSH server and hack in to disable the power grid backups. Yes...I'm a geek.)

10) In TV, people always sit up in the frame, fully-dressed, post-coitus: Thanks FCC.

11) You can hear explosions in the vacuum of space, unless there's a dramatic element that's needed, then you don't hear anything:  Everyone I've talked to that's been to space tells me that this is bullshit, and I'm just waiting for someone to call Buzz Aldrin a liar.

12) In any situation, there is always someone who can fly a helicopter or someone who figures it out in 30 seconds: This one is actually accurate. No, really.

13) Woman always have shaved legs: I wish.

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pizza: Food of the gods

Ah, pizza, the food of the gods.  "Why," do you ask?  Easy.  Pizza was created by the Italians, who are descendant from the Romans, who had more gods than any other civilization.  I'm pretty sure they even had a god of pizza...OK, so I checked that and there was no god of pizza.  Too bad.  I thought a food that good should deserve its own deity.

Domino!  No no, Meatzopolis! Wait, that's Greek.  I've got it! Extra-Large Cheesus!  All hail Extra-Large Cheesus! The god of 16" round deliciousness! (That's the average size of an extra-large pizza if you weren't aware).  Imagine the body of Buddha with the beard of Jesus (your Jesus may not have had a beard, but mine did; he was Jewish! Remember, Ricky Bobby's Jesus was still 8lbs, 3oz, so replace the head with whichever version you like best).  Still with me, or have I lost you like airline luggage?  If he were a superhero, he's have a belt of pre-cut toppings like pepperoni, sausage, olives, onions and all sorts of additional awesomeness!  Think Batman's belt but in green, white and red.

Mmmm. Pizza time.

First Post: This is my first post.

re·dun·dant /riˈdəndənt/Adjective
1. No longer needed or useful; superfluous.

2. (of words or data) Able to be omitted without loss of meaning or function.
3. chiefly British : no longer needed for a job and hence laid off.

re·dun·dant·ly re·dun·dant /riˈdəndəntly riˈdəndənt/ Noun
1. This blog.
2. This blog.
3. This blog.

I can already tell you that it will be an up-hill battle. You know like the one in Braveheart where where the Scots finally lost and William Wallace got all pissed off and ran after the king of England but that dude (Robert the Bruce; wouldn't it be cool to have a last name that's simply "the Something"?) knocked him off his horse and upon having his identity revealed let William Wallace go? That one.

Now that I've lost you completely, let me bring you back by thanking you for reading this blog.  I know that you have a choice in blogs, and because you've chosen to read mine, I'll do my best to make it worth your while. Let's start with boobs and kitties:

Ok, so it's a pair of boobs and only one kitten, but it's still aesthetically pleasing, no?

It's currently 2:10am in the morning, so I apologize for my first post this.

Please stay tuned for more redundant redundancy...