What is a "Bieber"?

As an occasional fan of pop culture, I felt it was my duty to shed some light on a recent development in the world of entertainment.  I'm sure by now you've heard of this "Bieber" character, but you may still be in the dark as to its true identity or even if it's a force for good or evil.  And while I don't have all the answers, I do have Google©.  To help keep you "in the know", I've compiled a list of possible explanations for the question on everyone's minds these days: "What is a Bieber?"  I've even taken the liberty of ranking them according to probability of truth.

1. A 51-Year Old Pedophile Disguising Himself as a 16-Year Old Pop Singer


2.  A Travel Agency Based in Kutztown, PA
http://www.biebertourways.com/Home.aspx

3. A Man Named "David" Who Was Born in 1966 and is a Convicted Killer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Bieber

4. A Town in California With a Population of 579.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bieber,_California

5. A 16-Year Old Pop Singer With No Eyes

While most people have told me that my least likely answer is actually the correct one, I refuse to believe that America would allow such an atrocity to continue for much longer than a week before putting a stop to it.  Then again, it IS the country that produced the PT Cruiser...

Why Your Teenager Will HATE Your New Ford Focus (OR Why You Should Never Rent a Ford Focus)

Tonight's blog entry is a thrilling piece with some lovely writing and an excellent demonstration into the real-life implications of "redundant redundancy".

Lately, I've been impressed by Ford's offerings.  They finally, (after thirty years of not selling it here) brought the Ford Fiesta over from Europe.  It's a sweet little hatchback.  If you haven't driven one yet, I highly recommend it.  Their Ford SYNC media system readily connects with your phone via bluetooth, and Sirius radio.  If you have a navigation installed, you can get dining info and ratings before being guided there by several GPS antennae.

But enough of Ford's fantastic-ness, this article is about how very annoying their electronic nanny system, "MyKey" is, and how you should avoid it like a plague.  The MyKey system allows the owner of the vehicle to set up certain "limits" as to how the car is operated.  With one "Admin key", you can set numerous "MyKeys" to let the car know that your teenage son or daughter (or an unsuspecting car renter) is operating the vehicle and cannot be trusted to do so without making a mess of things.  When starting the car with a "MyKey", this is the sound and light show that greets you:

This is your first indication that something is indeed...wrong.

Now if you're like 25% of the overall U.S. population (or 90% of the teenager population) and don't wear your seatbelt, the electronic nanny has not yet finished with you.

Begin your drive with the radio on (which is actually very nice and advance for a base model) if you haven't buckled your seatbelt, and this alert will remind you.

Now if you haven't been scared shitless to the point where you've driven off the road and need to call AAA (because Ford doesn't have an agreement with OnStar like GM), you can buckle your seatbelt and the music will be restored.

"Finally", you'll think.  Now I can continue my drive to work, a friend's house, dinner, or any other number of things you might do with the freedom a car grants you... but if you plan to drive on any highways, you'd be horribly, horribly wrong.

Upon reaching 65mph on the highway, you are greeted by the following message/sound combo:

At 75mph, you get the honor of being notified yet again that you are doing something dangerous and  wrong and must be informed/punished.

By now you're thinking "OK, now it's going to tell me something else and beep at me one more time," and you'd be correct in your assumption:

...But hold that thought...

Whilst at 80mph (which is a perfectly acceptable speed in, say, Wyoming), nothing you can do will make the car break this impenetrable speed barrier.  Press on the accelerator a little and, nothing.  Push the pedal to the floor AND...nothing.  It's like a bad dream where you'd be able to help your girlfriend from the hideously-burned slasher if you could only move...which you can't.

You thought that was the worst?  You thought that the pain, suffering, rage and dementia-inducing car nannying was over?

Bring that thought back.

You know what happens when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".  Oh yes, I went there.  Because Ford, in its great wisdom, decided that these lovely "notifications" should be let loose every time you pass by these mph markers.  Meaning, you get to see/hear the same exact notifications in reverse order!

"Yes, I know that I'm near the top speed, I just slowed down from there!"

 

What ever do you mean, car?!  I just slowed down!  How is my driving not any safer!?

At this point you're thinking "ENOUGH! I'm going to turn the radio up all the way so that I don't have to hear this sound anymore!!!"

Why the Cardigan Must Come Back

OK, so I know that the cardigan really isn't "gone", but it definitely doesn't have the same presence that it used to (or should still have).  The cardigan is an amazing piece of attire.  Wearable indoors or outdoors, it's a stylish article of clothing that can both formal AND casual at the same time!  Sadly, the majority of cardigans went the way of Old Yeller after the early 90's.  Therefore, in an effort to help restore the cardigan to its former glory, I will purchase my own and wear it every Monday this winter.  Now I may be but one man, but I am also awesome.  You too can be awesome by getting your own cardigan and rocking it like one of the Greats:

Mr. Rogers

Bill Cosby

Monkey in a Cardigan

Thanks for reading, and wear your cardigan...again.

How to Operate your In-Flight Entertainment, and Why I'm Better Than You

This week, I had the opportunity to fly across the country.  Since I have been working out a lot lately and was still quite sore, I decided to do my flying on a plane.  While on said plane, I noticed that there was a small telephone in my armrest.  Since I normally use my cellphone while flying, I decided to take a look and see what this thing had to offer.  To my surprise, there was a number of magical buttons on the opposite side!  Take care not to mash these with your hand while using the other side to dial, as you might have some unexpected issues.

To help ease the use of this magical device, I've created the simple explanatory graphic below:

I only explained the confusing ones, as you should be able to deduce that the START button signals the stewardesses that you're ready for the drink cart.

Playing Guitar Can Give You Superpowers

It's true.  This is more true for men.  Rockstars can influence a crowd of tens of thousands with their guitar.  Douche-bags in college can steal the sexy women from the jocks and intellectuals, all with a few chords that even a dog could learn if it had the metacarpals...and opposing thumbs.  Those who want to learn to play the guitar should be aware of something, however.  With this power comes responsibility awesomeness.  You can draw in (usually) smokin' hot women, but remember that not all of them are single, and jocks have mean right hooks...Oh, and not all of them are clean either.  Especially the groupies and college coeds.  Filthy whores. 

Play awesomely.

Stupid Ads...

The Most Adorably-Named, Deadliest Animals

The Honey Badger-
A cousin of the wolverine, the honey badger earns its name from it's insatiable hunger for sweet sweet honey.  It will delve into a beehive in search of its sugar fix, only to be stung by the hive's residents in an orgy of pain, stickiness and deliciousness...AND it survives to snack again.

My favorite description of the honey badger comes from Jeremy Clarkson of BBC's Top Gear:
"The honey badger does not kill you to eat you; it tears off...your testicles."


The Black Mamba-

First of all, it's not even black.  That aside, it sounds like a really fun dance, not the fastest venomous snake in the world (10–12 mph) that can kill a human in twenty agonizing minutes from a single bite.






The Hippopotamus-

Everyone loves the hippos.  They're practically a Disney animal movie staple.  FACT:

hippopotamuses kill more humans per year than any other animal in the entire continent of Africa.  Think about THAT the next time you play Hungry Hungry Hippos.  (AND, if you want to be extremely morbid, draw little smiley faces on the marbles.)

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The Duck-Billed Platypus-

I know. Really effin' adorable. Right!?  To top it off, their young are called "puggles." Why is the platypus on this list, you may ask.  Simple: it's poisonous.  That's right, boys and girls, the male platypi have a pair of spurs on their hind legs they they use for hunting and dueling.  The venom is actually powerful enough to land a human in the emergency room and leave them writhing in muscular-afflicted pain for months.